i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
Randomize
