i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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