I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
so according the 72 facebook statuses i put up last night that i don't recall, i would say it was a success. how about you?
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
If I ever see that bitch it is going down flavor of love style
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
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