Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
If graduating leads me to stop getting naked at inappropriate times in public places I'm going to be pissed
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
