I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I thought you said his peep was too small
it is but i have no money and nothing is on tv until 7 when americas next top model comes on.
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
Randomize
