Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
I'm not saying he's gay. Just that he prob knows what a dick tastes like
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
I'm like a saiyan, every time I get trashed I come back stronger
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
Randomize
