Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
I think it's time we have the "weird fetish" talk.
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
he said he was going to fuck me like a rabbit in heat. What he should have said was faster then a train and over before a commercial
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
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