this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
I think he is probably a psycho that will eventually murder me but i mean the sex last time was AWESOME.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
Randomize
