I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
Yeah i like want to be friends with him. And if we have sex in the physics library well thats fine with me
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize
