We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
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