Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
