P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
I can't put those talents on a resume
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
Randomize
