Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
the line runs infront of fredricks of hollywood. it's like gamestop is showing me how pathetic I am.
We went out. i got lost. dunno where they were. they slept in the car. i slept in an outdoor shower. i dont know anything else.
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
Going to the u of w I constantly have that moment of, oh hey I felt you up at that rave at folk fest that one time. Winnipeg is too small.
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
Randomize
