Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
