i just realized that we are the poor version of bethenny and jill from real housewives... and I'm jill. this is a 6.5 on the depressing scale
at least we're not in new jersey
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
Hello my rib-scented angel!
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
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