She was lying the whole time!
She was a great actress
I was a great dumbass
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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