Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
These girls next to us are doing shots called bath salts. Sadly this is the classiest bar I've been to since i moved to PA
Randomize
