Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
No one goes out in public like that, unless they do anal
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
well i mean she can't stop a weed based friendship...its like a trying to stop a bomb or a really fast train...
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
I'm not trying to take your husband away from you, but can we have another 3way soon? I'm just desperate for good dick.
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
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