They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
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