saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
We tried to line dance with everyone but it turned into drunken stumbling and attempting to grind on random frat boys. I feel that this might turn into an every Thursday thing.
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
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