We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
Randomize
