I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
