so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
