I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
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