I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
Laughlin, where retired strippers come to die.
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
sorry about last night, I don't know what happened but I woke up this morning and looked strikingly similar to courtney love, it had to be bad.
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
there is a large number of people floating in the fountains the morning in inter-tubes...its only 930. did i miss something?
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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