Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
Randomize
