One of my boys faked an orgasm while fucking a girl tonite, w/ out wearing a condom mind you.
She caught him, and immediately put her clothes on and left.
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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