Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
Cruel joke of nature. Hair on head runs from face, and hides on various parts of body. Aging sucks.
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
Just to prove a point, she called and ordered a pizza 10 min before she ordered the blow and it still got here first. I may never leave LA.
I told you!!! And that is why he's the drug dealer to the stars.
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
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