We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
i said send nudes i get bra and panties. thats not what i fucking asked for.
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
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