she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
dudes here are drinking wine, and not in the forgivable 'just doing this to get laid' way
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
Randomize
