I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
Randomize
