I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
He? As in you personified your dick?
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
Randomize
