onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
well my dad not being home definitely made it less awkward to walk in carrying the bra I left wearing.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
One date. That's all it took. I want to have his geunis babies in me. One date.
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
That's right. I did.
You are the saddest 25 year old gay man I've ever had the displeasure of knowing.
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize
