god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
just woke up in the hotel with gummi bears all around me and someone took the tv
we took the tv and as for the gummi bears don't eat them you put em in her vagina
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
I can't look at him without thinking about his cum face
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
