The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
Randomize
