so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
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