he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
Randomize
