I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
You know it's time to leave Spain when you are back and forth between Skype and a Spanish dictionary trying to figure out out to say "I can still smell you on my skin."
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
