You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
Operation Purity has been aborted
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
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