just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
Randomize
