his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
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