either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Randomize
