I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
Randomize
