Dude my mom stole all your condoms
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
the dr. explained that the first big patch is called a herald patch since it's biggest. So his name is Harold the Patch.
Wow. You named your rash.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Randomize
