He didn't know it yet but he was about to go down on me.
he refuses to go down on me anymore when he's high because he thinks my clit piercing stares at him
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
I've been getting a lot of emails from patron lately for being a great customer. Is that awesome, or should I start thinking about seeking help?
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
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