There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
His girlfriends signaled their approval by pulling me off of him and in turn making out with me. I think I will hang out with this group more often
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
Randomize
