she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
How does one go about breaking up with their bf on vacation?
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
