He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
I love taking my adderall while im in class! As soon as I take the pill out everyone around me just stares in envy!
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
Just bought the plane tickets. Light headed. Blood rush to clit oh god blue clit. Mayday mayday vagina down!
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
I'm by the tree and the Dora the explorer balloon .. Look for the Dora the explorer balloon
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
Randomize
