He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
We are going out Saturday. Oh and we might also be jousting on bikes.
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
Randomize
