Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
I think we need to have a day of drinking in classes. I know we don't share any, but sacrifices need to be made.
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
Randomize
