just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
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