Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.
Eh maybe I should give her a chance. Let's see where making a porno takes the friendship
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
Randomize
