You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
I think I just need to sleep with both of them to see which I want to date.
You just went from promiscuous to slut in 3.2 seconds.
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
one night of dollar margs at dinner and dollar beers at the bar later, i am throwing up in his shower and gurgling soap and water to kill the taste of sin in my mouth. dollar days need to stop endng like this.
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
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