Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
I have been running off of weed, alcohol, and Mexican food. What is Tallahassee.
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
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