wrigley field is MILF paradise
he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
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