i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
Randomize
