thats the last time I fuck a piece of fruit on camera for him.
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
Randomize
