I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
He has the fingertips of a God
Randomize
