Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
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