my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
Just saw an Asian kid crash into the bike rack with his bike. I love sitting outside the engineering building.
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Randomize
